Mommy Instinct

I always tell everyone...trust your instinct...ignore most of the advice you get and do what is right for your child. Well...I should have stayed home on Wednesday when I wrote my last post about how guilty I was feeling. On my way home with a birthday cake in hand for my husband, my cell rings and our care provider says that Connor woke up from him nap feeling worse and was it ok to give him some Tylenol. I, of course, said yes and hurried home (I was about 10 minutes away) cause she sounded really worried. When I got home he didn't even get up off the couch to great me...which is beyond strange...and when I went over to him he just looked at me with his huge blue eyes and his breathing was really raspy. I had a moment of panic. Picked him up and told her to grab his shoes I was taking him to the walk in clinic. Phoned my husband on route and told him to meet us there. It took about an hour to see a doctor who immediately sent us to urgent care with a letter of what he had seen. He wouldn't tell me what he thought it could be just that he's struggling for air and needs a chest x-ray. By the time I got out of the walk in clinic, Chris was waiting ,and the first thing I said to him was "We have to get to urgent care NOW. I'll explain in the car". The whole night was horrible. Breathing masks, medicine, inhalers, baby x-rays (which look like mini torture devices). Later that night they said that it was actually the best case scenario and was pneumonia. Being the best case scenario we could take him home. If there was the slightest change we were to go straight to the Children's Hospital. We got home that night absolutely worn out. You would think that after 3-4 hours of scream crying Connor would have passed out on the way home, but no, so we got his prescription and picked up McD's (instead of the rib birthday dinner I had planned). It was a rough couple days after that but now he is feeling much better, although hates the antibiotics and fights me on it twice a day. I'm still waking up multiple times a night to watch him breath. I don't know how long that will continue but I just need to sit there and watch him breathing to confirm that he is in fact ok. The first night after the warnings to keep an eye on him I don't think I slept at all and would watch his chest for a few minutes every half an hour. I should have trusted how badly I felt about leaving him and stayed home...there has to be something to this mommy instinct.

Heartbreak and Cuddles

There is nothing more heartbreaking than having to walk out of the door in the morning when your toddler doesn't want to let go and has been up most of the night ill. It is gut wrenching. Connor was sick two days ago and then his nose started running yesterday and he was up all night having trouble breathing through his nose which would wake him up. He thought he should get to watch toopy and binoo at 1am. Poor little man. Usually he is asleep when I go to work but I opened the bathroom door to mommy calls and there he was standing in his little monkey pj's with his rabbit in one hand and a sippy of water in the other looking at me like I had abandoned him! It was horrible and only got worse when it was time to go. I ended up leaving half an hour later than normal because I'd try and leave and he'd start to sob so I'd sit and cuddle him and tell him I loved him but I have to work. The horrible guilty feeling of leaving was only enhanced when I read my monthly update email from Pampers on 23 months that had a section on giving your child lots of love and cuddles when they aren't feeling well. Can't wait to get home for cuddles...

Monkey Man

I haven't posted for a couple weeks because life has become ridiculous. I am beyond busy at work and working overtime so when I get home Connor needs me to make up for not being there. I need my vacation to get here NOW! I'm so close to crashing and I know I'm becoming less productive which makes it all the more disheartening. Connor is an active child regardless, but now that he feels the need to make every moment with mommy count, if I stop to wash the dishes or do laundry he climbs something. His room being monkey themed seems more than appropriate now. He is my little monkey and he has the best monkey impressions ever...so freaking cute! The climbing is getting to be a bigger problem though. I got home from work and after a bit of play time decided I needed to get the dishes done. I reached into the dishwasher for some plates, stood up, and he's sitting at the really high bar stool at the kitchen island!! A three foot drop to hardwood...I shrieked and ran around to grab him before he fell and he just gave me his little evil grin as if to say...did you think I'd let you empty that dishwasher lady??! He proceeded to climb the couch and balance on the arm well calling "mamma" in this little testing voice and then climbed over his highchair and was stuck upside down on that when I reached him. We moved into the playroom and I got distracted putting a couple of the toys away and when I turned around he was standing on the arm of the chair climbing over it onto a rocking horse giving me his little devil grin. It is unbelievable how fast they can appear on the top of something! He is also now moving objects so that he can get leverage to climb other items that he otherwise couldn't reach. He carried his little singing table into my bedroom and used the edge of my bed to climb onto it so that he could stand in the middle of it and reach the TV. Un-freaking-believable!!! There is no safe "out of reach" area now. Everything from the top of dressers to the table are fair game if there is something he wants. The best part of it all is that he's got the mommy manipulation down to an art! If he knows I'm getting mad he'll come over wrap his cute little arms around my neck, give me the best little smile, say "mamma" in a loving little voice and give me a huge kiss. Now tell me how you are supposed to stay mad at that?!?!? This is definitely the most work of any age I've encountered yet but also the most fun. He loves to be going and laughs continuously. It is amazing...and frustrating!

Family

Most of us have that one family member that creates angst and stress. When you are in the process of growing your own immediate family what is the best way to deal with these members of your family? Ignore them, push them out, embrace them??? I don't think there is a "right" answer. I think you need to approach it in a way you are comfortable and able to. There is no easy answer because even when you push the person out of your life to avoid the stress of the situation on yourself and your little one it is always going to be in the back of your mind. There comes a time in our lives when we need to be responsible for our actions, regardless of what life has thrown our way or what issues we need to overcome. As parents we need to learn to let go and let our children grow and develop into their own people which can be especially difficult when our children face more difficulties than normal. We all want our children to know they are unconditionally loved but sometimes conditions of that love has to be put in place for their greater good. I hope more than anything in the world that I will never experience that in the way I have watched others face. I think it takes a lot of strength to put those conditions in a relationship whether it is for children or parents. I am incredibly lucky to have a great support group of friends and sisters (as well as a frustrating husband;-) ).

Connor Care

I've received a few emails asking about what I have done about the day home situation so I thought I should write a quick post about it. My day home was permanently closed because the agency (right or wrong, everyone has a strong opinion) did not feel it would be safe for children until she had her problems with her ex sorted out. She is going to come to my house for the month of August as a nanny and then work on setting up her own private day home. She has been speaking to family services about the situation and wants to ensure that they are comfortable providing her with her license and has given them all the information. They feel that if there is no further problems since the last encounter than she should be able to open Sept. 1. Now if this was anyone else I would probably find a new day home but because she is one of the most open, honest people I know and I completely trust her with all of Connor's safety concerns I am willing to wait and put him in her private day home once it is started. I have been up every night for a week thinking this over and some people agree with me and others disagree but I would never, never, never do anything that I thought would put Connor in any sort of risky situation and I have to go with my gut feeling. I did not think it was possible to find someone that would love my child the way she does and that he would care about so deeply. I am so happy that she will remain in his life and remain his caretaker during the day because lets face it, if I have to work, he needs to be with someone that unconditionally loves him.

Gender confused rat???

Have any of you seen Toopy and Binoo??? Is Toopy male or female? This is a constant debate in our house as it is now Connor's favorite TV show and he gets quiet upset if the TV is on and it is not one of the many PVR recordings of Toopy and Binoo. He smiles, laughs and frowns at the episodes and it is impossible not to be mesmerized by him while he's watching! I don't see the appeal but obviously there is something to this gender confused rat and his odd little speech impaired friend that has all of these kids so enthralled! You know its bad when you have the theme song stuck in your head and you find yourself humming it at your desk at work. I would prefer it if Connor was still enjoying Handy Manny or Jake and the Neverland Pirates, but I guess I have to roll with the cartoons of his choosing instead of mine...

Day Homes vs. Daycares

Pre Connor I was an advocate of the day care system. I liked the organization of it, the regulations, multiple care providers, etc. Post Connor, my opinions were altered on care providers and I leaned toward the day home care due to the one-on-one attention and more intimate atmosphere. Today, I truly believe that the appropriate option is based on the child and the specific facility. Until yesterday, I was lucky enough to have Connor in the most amazing day home where the woman loved him unconditionally and understood his sleep issues and never made a big deal about them. I could not have been happier with the care. Due to problems with her ex-husband, my day home lady has been temporarily suspended until the agency can fully understand the situation and ensure that the children are safe. It feels like my life has come crashing down...yes, a little over dramatic...but this woman loves my child and I truly feel like she cares for him in a way that I could only hope to find in a care provider while I am at work. I'm looking into temporary care at day cares, and I think Connor will enjoy aspects of it now that he is older, but he is so sensitive that this truly scares me. The agency provided me with names of other day homes that can do back up care but that terrifies me because I don't know them and they did not come recommended by a friend. I'm sure everyone has this fear and perhaps, if I go and interview them, this fear would dissipate but right now I am anxiously awaiting the call to let me know how long they expect the suspension to last. Even with that I have mixed emotions because although I truly believe that she is the best person to be caring for my child how can I be sure that it will remain a safe environment if her ex has gone a little crazy??? I was up all night thinking about that. I don't think that the man would ever harm any of the children but I also don't want Connor exposed to any potentially ugly situations. And at the same time Connor loves our day home provider and she is amazing and I hate to keep him away. I guess this is a risk of the day home that I had never previously considered. The care can be there one day and gone the other whereas if you are at a daycare they can replace workers. If anyone reading this is in Calgary and knows of a day home or daycare that they truly love and may have a temporary space...I would love and appreciate the feedback.